December 9, 2009

1:52 in the morning… in the middle of the week… early December… it’s so quiet out… so peaceful. Though a slight chill fills the air… yet the night is still beautiful. The sky is clear, stars shining brightly, with just a few dustings of clouds that give the blackness some depth and texture. I close me eyes listening to my surroundings… though some would say there is nothing to be heard… if you listen hard enough… you will hear the world. The few crickets that remain this late in the season quietly chirp, rubbing their legs together as if they were playing a violin… so softly. The sound of the few leaves remaining on the trees, rustling in the wind. They try their hardest to linger a bit longer on the braches they so desperately cling to. Then, the occasional car passing by… and I can’t help but wonder where they are going at this time of night… but also, what they are thinking about… what problems they have to face once the sun comes up… what their lives are like. Then again, I have always thought about this… I often wonder what complete strangers, I pass in the street, are thinking at that very moment. I wonder if they feel the way I feel at that very moment. Now I sit in bed, listening to a “Thoughtful” playlist I created on iTunes… wondering if there is someone in the area… no, someone anywhere that feels the way I do right now. This is because I wish for them to explain this feeling to me for I cannot describe it myself. I cannot put this feeling into words… and if I try… they simply do not seem accurate… sufficient… or adequate. “Lonely” does not even begin to describe this sentiment, it is so much more than that… so much more than lonely… but then again this is not the same emotion as I have had in the past… for I do not feel alone in the world… it is something completely different. I am calm, full of serenity… yet simultaneously I feel utterly numb. It is not upsetting to me as it has been in the past… most likely because I feel comfortably numb. Although, this sensation is not alarming to my mind, I am still am apprehensive by these feelings… or more accurately the lack of them. There are so many thoughts running through my mind, I can’t sort through them… even pick one out… I can only focus on the steady click of the keyboard underneath my fingers and the constant and soft sound of music in the background. Yet I continue to type… hoping that I will be able to somehow release my mind onto the computer. I fear if I do not free these thoughts… they will be trapped inside my head… constantly spinning in the back of my mind, yet never making themselves known to my conscious again, only in my dreams. I keep seeing his face flash before my eyes… for only a split second… but he is there. Why? He meant nothing to me… and me to him. Yet, there he is. Those few days we spent together replay in my mind… especially that night. I do not understand… isn’t that what I wanted? No. I wanted love… but how could that be after only a few days of knowing him. No, it was not him I wanted to love… I did not want to love anyone… I wanted the concept of love there… I wanted to think I felt love and loved. I want to be protected… but from what? There is a constant need from deep within me to find someone to protect me… but from what? I do not have an abusive family… physically at least… I was never physically abused my entire life. Emotionally and mentally abused is another story; maybe that is it. But how could someone protect me from that? They can’t… simply cannot. Protect me from my fears? What are my fears? Being hurt… but how can someone protect me from other people hurting me… when they can just as easily succeed in that fear? There are so many questions, yet, no answers. No, no answers that I want. I want him next to me… I want him holding me… and I want him to kiss the back of my neck… softly touch my body… tell me everything will be okay… simply hold me… and help me drift off to sleep, something that I am having greatly difficulty in… on this night. I want to tell him my life… I don’t wish to tell it all… but to fully understand one story, you must hear another, and to understand that one you must understand the one before… and so on and so forth. To understand one thing… you must hear everything. Unfortunately, I do not think anyone will even understand my feelings… understand what I have been through over the past three years… no one ever will… thought they try… they fail. Yet, I still crave to have him next to me… to tell him about my worrisome thoughts. I wish he was here to hold me… I wish he was lying next to me…. I wish he was here and able to listen to me, but instead I type spill my mind into a piece of machinery… I type as if writing to no one… yet everyone. I wish someone was able to read this and understand… but I cannot fathom a single being that would understand fully… I want to send it to everyone…. I can’t.  I somewhat regret starting this purposeless letter… for no one will read it… unless by accident, and even then they will read it and move on… forgetting about it instantly. Or would they care? I wonder what they would think about this… whatever this is. I do not know what I think of this… a little frightening? I cannot see how this could be frightening. It is simply someone’s mind flowing smoothly into script. Maybe someone would finally understand how complex my thoughts are… no, not complex… they would see how much I think and worry about every moment of the day. Sleep eludes my mind and body right now… I feel that I will not sleep on this night; however, as those last few words printed on the screen my eyelids are beginning to become heavy and my mind clouded. I am glad that I was able to write down these thoughts at this point in time… maybe I will feel this again… a part of me hopes so… yet another part wishes I do not. Both parts do, however, wish that I would not sleep alone tonight… although that part is inevitable, one can always wish can’t they?