January 14, 2010 at 10:47 pm (Depression, Feelings, imogen heap, Loneliness, New life, Sad, Speeding cars, Staring over, The end, Thoughts)
Tags: Depression, Feelings, imogen heap, Loneliness, New life, Sad, Speeding cars, Staring over, The end, Thoughts
Here’s the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violence just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffees never strong enough
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck
There, there baby, it’s just textbook stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don’t loose your head
‘Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah
Sleeping pills, no sleeping dogs lie never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years
You can’t keep on like this, now’s a better time as any
There, there baby, it’s just textbook stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don’t kill yourself
‘Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah
It’s ok by me, it’s ok by me, it’s ok by me
It was a long time ago
It’s ok by me, it’s ok by me, it’s ok by me
It was a long time ago
There, there baby, it’s just textbook stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don’t loose your head
‘Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah
There, there baby, it’s just textbook stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling, oh don’t kill yourself
‘Cause none of us were angels and you know I love you
Yeah
-Imogen Heap
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January 10, 2010 at 8:12 pm (Feelings, Friends, New life, Relationships, Right thing to do, Staring over, The end, Uncategorized)
Tags: Feelings, Friends, New life, Relationships, Right thing to do, Staring over, The end
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” - Joseph Campbell
I have decided to shed the skin that is my old life… I’m starting over. Yes, I do understand that in life, one cannot simply start from the beginning because it is done. It is impossible. The beginning is in the past… and there is no way to forget the past. There are memories, people, reminders of the past… that we can never be rid of. They are there… even though we would like to forget them, they will never be really gone. Even in death, their memory is forever engraved in our minds. Regardless, I wish to attempt to rid myself of my old life, and attempt to build a new and better one. Well, I am not completely putting my old life in the past, just certain aspects; mostly, my old friends, but were they really friends?
What is a friend really? According to the dictionary it is: one attached to another by affection or esteem, also known as an acquaintance. To me… a friend is completely different from an acquaintance because really is. A friend is someone you can: count on, talk to, love, confide in, care for, you can call family. An acquaintance, to me at least, is simply someone you met and maybe occasionally talk to. I, actually, had a conversation about friendship with a few people over the past few days. One was simply an older man who came into my work; he was buying a card for who referred to as his “bestest babe”. He asked me how to spell “bestest” and I replied that I do not believe that is actually a word. He responded, “Yes, but I feel that the word friend is used too often and too loosely. I would say it really takes years to become friends with someone; six to eight years for most, but ten for me, and she has been in my life for much longer.” He was right, the word friend is used too much in the wrong context. In high school, you called the people you associated yourself with your “friends”, but really they are just people you use to fill your time, to have human contact. Yes, there are times when you have known that person since you were younger and you both have always been close.. therefore, it would be correct to call them your friends. For me, when I entered high school… I knew know one. No one knew anyone, with a few exceptions. We were forced to become friendly with our classmates because we were all each other had for the next four years. Yes, most of us became close and called each other our friends, but really… after we left our small community, known as our high school… most of us parted and went our own ways; the same applied for me in college.
Now for the past few months, well actually almost a year now, I have refered to the people in my life as my friends… t because of the connection we had to my ex-boyfriend. I realized a few days ago, that they are not what I thought they were, they are not my friends. Skipping the details, but hat I will say is that they betrayed my trust and hurt me; therefore, I have just now decided push them out of my life completely. I have thought about this for a while actually; when I first broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I found it very painful being around them because they were still friends with him. I thought about leaving them behind… but I did not want to be alone and friendless. I needed people in my life to feel happy, to know people cared for me, and liked my company. Well, the events over the past few days have proven that they did not care for me as I thought, in fact they found joy in starting rumors about me and painting a false picture of myself to others. They were toxic, and I am now determined to drain all the toxicity out of my life. Yes, I now realise that I am pretty friendless at the moment, in fact, I really only have my family right. I find that statement rather funny because up until recently I have not depended on my family for much. We all have been through hell over the past few years, and we were useless to each other, especially for emotional support. But now, they are all I have. I think this time will be good for me; without many people in my life, I will avoid the excess drama and heart ache. I will be able to work on myself, bettering myself… fixing myself, if that is even possible now. I am going to try, regardless.
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January 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm (Distractions)
Tags: Distractions
Amo delle distrazioni perché tengono la mia
mente via da di tutti gli aspetti negativi della mia vita.
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January 2, 2010 at 6:54 pm (Death, Depression, Drugs, Feelings, The end)
Tags: Death, Drugs, Forgivness, Memories, Thought
“I haven’t been here for over two years”, I thought to myself. It has been too long, but I reminded myself that I stayed away for a reason. I walked along the wood path a few inches above the sand, through the small patch of woods, that eventually lead to a dock that stretches out into the bay. The wind was strong today; the waves beat hard against the wooden platform where I stood. the sun had set within the last hour… leaving a small line of pink just above the horizon… slowly changing to black. I had spent countless hours, standing in this spot… looking out over the water. It has been two years… such a bad time in my life. I looked over towards the bank and remembered my spot. I walked back towards the shore, taking a slight left to a hidden dirt path and strolled to the small space where the trees seemed to open just for me. And there I sat… on the cold ground, watching the water hit the bank, straining to reach my feet. So many memories here… bad ones of course. I came here a lot back then… almost everyday in September now that I think about it. Slowly walking to my spot, iPod playing, cigarette lit. I came here to think… two years ago I had a lot to think about. Now being back here… it was as if I was reliving it.
I was seventeen then… so naive to the world and its cruel ways. I had just pulled up to my house after a long day at Target, just a typical day though. I walked up to my front door and pushed it open… looking back that simple action lead me to the worst years of my life. My parents were running around the house in a sheer panic, both on their phones. Something had happened… I assumed the worse. My mom pulled me into the kitchen, and tried to tell me as calmly as possible. “M*** is dead, Julie.” I collapsed on the floor. “We don’t know what happened yet, but he is dead. We are trying to get plane tickets down to Florida as soon as possible.” For the next three hours, I sat on the couch in a trance like state. I could only stare off… “I saw him two weeks ago, how could this happen?”. Two weeks before, I had flown down to Tampa to visit him and my sister. We all had fun… but now… he’s gone. My younger sister came home shortly after… seeing my face she immediately asked what was wrong… I didn’t need to say much, “M***’s dead”. She sobbed. My parents left early the next morning, leaving my brother, my little sister, and myself to simply continue with our lives. School was a blur… I was either sobbing or in a coma. Days later, I found out that he had a drug over dose. My sister had been talking to my mom on the phone, when his friend ran out of their apartment screaming that Mike was throwing up blood… they checked to see if he was breathing… he wasn’t. They took him to the hospital… an hour later… he was dead. It’s weird how on event can change a single person’s life… how it can change a family’s life. It did. Our family was not invited to the funeral… I never got to say goodbye. I need to… I just don’t want to go by myself… all the way up in Boston. I know where he is buried… but I cannot force myself to go. If I go up there… I will not come back. That I know for sure. I need to one day though… to let him go… to move on with my life because I feel I cannot move on without letting his memory go.
At this point, my ears are numb from the harsh wind blowing against me, and the water succeeded in reaching my shoes… I decided it was time to leave. Taking my last drag of my cigarettes, flicking the end into the water, I turned and headed back to my car. I want to go back to the time in my life when I was content… before the universe decided that I needed to suffer… that my family needed to be torn apart. I wish it was like that now… but that is in the past… and that is something I can never change. Just another painful memory, that will always remain in the back of my mind.
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January 2, 2010 at 3:40 pm (Anima Libera, Confused, Content, Emi, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness)
Tags: Anima Libera, Confused, Content, Emi, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness
“Anima libera, ti senti candida, lassù nel cielo volerai.
Anima libera, sempre mi illumina, nel buio dei pensieri miei.
Anima libera, sovente e magica, sei la speranza dentro me.
Anima libera, leggera e unica, nel cosmo azzurro brillerai.
E non lasciare che, paure inutili, nascondano la luce in te
Io non ti scorderò, io ti celebrerò, col ritmo di questa canzone…”
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January 2, 2010 at 12:22 am (Confused, Depression, Feelings, Loneliness, Relationships)
Tags: Confused, Depression, Feelings, Loneliness, Numb, Relationships
“In literature and art memory is a synonym for invention. It is the life-blood of imagination, which faints and dies when the veins are empty.” - Robert Aris Willmott
Let me just start off by saying, I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year; mine, however, did not turn out the way I expected it to. Personally, I was perfectly fine and maintained a pretty nice buzz through out the night. Two of my guy friends, however, did not have the same luck. Long story short… they both drank and smoked way too much and ended up spending most of the night with their head’s in the toilet; they kind of ruined our night as well, because we spent out time drunkenly taking care of them… one was very close to alcohol poisoning. although, they eventually passed out and they rest of us could relax and finish out our night having fun. We all ended up going ot sleep at around four in the morning… over all it was an okay night… could have been better, yet could have been a lot worse.
It’s funny how memories can pop into your head at any given moment… and most of the time it seems they do without a trigger. It is as if an outside force decides to break open your mind and force painful thoughts out… usually at the most inopportune times. I began thinking about him again… I haven’t in a while, actually. Well not like this. I laid in some random person’s bed last night with my friend N… almost crying about how much I still love him… how even though I know we were not meant to be that I still want to see him… how I hate that he hates me so much… how he doesn’t care if I died tomorrow. That last one… make me sick to my stomach when I think about it. How can someone who loved you so much, who you loved so much, simply decide that they do not care what happens to you overnight? It simply doesn’t make sense to me… how is that possible. Well it is useless to try to analyze this situation again after over four months. Isn’t it? I can’t seem to help myself when it comes to him… I think about him every time I am around my friends… because they are his friends. I feel like we are a divorced couple and our friends being our children that we must split our time with. It is all very frustrating, but what can I do? I just need to try to hold it together and move on, correct? All of my friends say I am doing much better than what they expected, seeing how in love we were… but they do not see everything. There are nights where I will hear a song, watch a movie, or smell something… and all the heartbreak comes to the surface and I cry. For hours, I will lay in bed, or sit in my car… and just sob. In the past, I would probably do something stupid to ease the pain… I won’t go into that, but now I try to call people. I reach out, something I have not done in the past. I talk myself out of my hysterics and try to find my calm space. Unfortunately, when I usually need to talk to someone it is at some obscene hour when everyone is asleep. So I text everyone and wait for a response… nine times out of ten, someone will text or call me. I am usually better after an hour or two… but after I cry… I feel numb. I prefer the numbness over the pain… which scares me sometimes, I’m not going to lie. Feeling pain is good, but when it is so over whelming that my mind starts going to a place where I told myself I would never go again… I wait and cherish the lack of emotions that I know will soon come. At those moments I feel as if I am on a beach with my arms spread wide, waiting for the tidal wave to hit.
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December 30, 2009 at 11:48 am (Booty Call, Confused, Content, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness, Relationships, Right thing to do, Sex, The end)
Tags: Booty Call, Confused, Content, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness, Relationships, Right thing to do, Sex, The end
“If people can’t deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit.” -Kevin Nealon
Today, I ended it. I texted T and told him that I had to end our “arrangement”. I have been thinking about it over the past couple of days… but each I thought about ending it… I thought, “Maybe he will change, and this will turn into something more than just sex.” The romantic side of me always tries to make it seem that my situations are better than they are… and that they will get better; it was the same with my ex-boyfriend. Even thought he treated me with no respect, beat down my self-esteem, made me depend on him yet pulled away from me, and emotionally abused me… I still thought that he would treat me better if I just waited. I did not want to break up with him knowing that he might someday truly care for me… but he beat me to the punch and broke up with me. It hurt then, just as it hurts now. I cannot feel now. I am completely numb… it is hard for me to concentrate on anything, but this.. writing. Not only did he simply acknowledge that I ended it, but he decided to tell me that he “did stuff” with another girl tonight. It killed me. It was just more proof that he did not care about me what so ever. My guy friend really opened my eyes to the situation. “From a guy’s point of view, this guy has it made. He has a girl who is willing to drive up to him, have sex with him, and then leave… not expecting anything more. And yeah he says all the right things and he is only sleeping with you, but how do you know he is not calling another girl up the second you go home?” I did not even know how to respond… I simply silently cried on the phone. So, I ended it… and I can’t feel anything. Did I do the right thing? Please, someone tell me.
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December 29, 2009 at 12:10 am (Booty Call, Confused, Content, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness, Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized)
Tags: Booty Call, Confused, Content, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness, Relationships, Sex
“The road to finding ‘the one’ is paved with a bit of promiscuity.” – Ryan Erickson
I have decided to start out each post with a quote… something to set the general mood of things, and for some reason while searching for a “searching for love” quote (as I put in the search engine of the internet), I some how came upon this one. It appealed to me in many ways, most of all because i feel it describes the past few months of my life. I have I difficult time dealing with my break up with my first true boyfriend. At first, as I remember it, I went a little “crazy” when it came to men. I simply wanted their attention, company, and most of all their approval. If you have read my previous blog, you would know my difficulties I have had with the opposite sex. I am not sure if “difficulties” is the correct word, but I don’t know how else to describe the my life recently. The quote above might accurately explain it; I have lived a somewhat promiscuous lifestyle these past few months. At first, my being with someone was just to feel sexually desired and also to forget about him; I view that first month as a sort of low point in my life. After that I really reevaluated my life and what I wanted, then I came to realize that I do in fact want a relationship, on the contrary to what I previous thought I wanted. Which was just to be with a guy and nothing more. I want everything.
Then came D. I will skip the part how I met him… but let’s just say we did not see each other for long. We went on a few dates… ended up sleeping together, but I was not comfortable with him. He seemed like such a sweet and caring guy when we simply talked and hung out, but during sex he was completely different. He refused to look at my face…. simply the back of my head, if you catch my drift. Usually I do not mind having sex from behind, but when I have sex with someone for the first time I prefer to look at him. After two separate days of that, I decided it would be best to forget about him.
Then came T. I first heard of him from my college roommate; he was a friend of hers, and her on and off fuck buddy. A few months later, he requested friendship on Facebook and we have been talking on and off since I dropped out of school; especially after my break up. I have updated him on my life and guy situation, and he has always been willing to offer me advice. About a month ago, we really started talking often, especially when I stopped seeing Dom; we ended up hanging out and I have explained the rest in my previous posts. I have only gone up to see him twice, and so far we have decided to remain fuck buddies, or friends with benefits… whatever you want to label it as. However, the last time I went up to see him, he said something to me that was quiet shocking… when we were fooling around he turned to me and said “Even if you have a boyfriend in the future I will still want you… we can take care of each other.” I did not say anything at the time, but the statement caught me off guard. I texted my concerns to him today, I explained how if and when I found someone who wanted to be with me for more than just sex, I would not jeopardize it by cheating on him. I don’t cheat… that is not me. At first, he asked if I was planning on dating anyone, but after I said there were no possibilities at the moment, he just simply said “k”. I said that to him for two reasons: first, just to simply put it out there that if I found someone, I would end it with him, and two, I wanted to gauge his reaction… he did not give me much to judge. I wish he did. I want a relationship. Do I want to be in a relationship with him? I am not entirely sure yet… I just know i want to have everything a man can offer me… love, protection, caring, kindness, and understanding. Isn’t that what everyone wants? I do, right now. Hopefully I will find it sooner rather than later.
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December 20, 2009 at 1:31 am (Booty Call, Confused, Feelings, Relationships, Sex, Snow)
Tags: Booty Call, Confused, Feelings, Relationships, Sex, Snow
“I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure in the landscape – the loneliness of it – the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it – the whole story doesn’t show.” - Andrew Wyeth
I do love this time of year… though my body does not handle the cold well, I enjoy the other parts that come with the temperature. For example: less humidity, the holidays, more work hours, and of course snow. For some reason, the snow always makes me feel a variety of emotions at the same time. Contentment, loneliness, thoughtfulness, just everything. I simply stood outside as the snow swirled around me like a tornado, and my whole body relaxed. The white powder seems to mute all the surrounding noises of the environment… which is some what baffling to me. I know there is some scientific explanation why the frozen water absorbs the sound, but I simply enjoy the beauty of it. The beauty of everything about the first snow of the season… seeing the dead, bare trees cover in a white blanket of light is absolutely lovely. The earth seems to be completely clean and untouched… as if the snow erases all that has happened on the Earth and kills it. Kills the existing life be freezing it over months… then when winter decides to recede to allow spring to come forth, the water that has been frozen in and on top of the ground, will melt, giving sustenance to the new life that will grow. Winter kills life… then brings it back. I find that thought very eerie, yet very poetic. None the less, it is the truth.
I woke up this morning, after two hours of sleep, to my mom telling me to move my car behind the van; after only a few seconds, I completely forgot what she had said to me, so I simply tried to fall back asleep. Then, my dad came in and said I had to move my car off the street because it was snowing… a great deal in fact. I honestly don’t remember getting dressed and moving my car because minutes afterwards I returned to my bed and tried to get a few more hours of sleep before work at three. It felt as if mere moments had passed, when I heard my house phone ring and began to record a message; he said that the roads were to dangerous and don’t bother coming into work today. I instantly was filled with relief that I could relax today… that was until we got snowed into my house. I have spent all day doing absolutely nothing, except watch television and shovel snow; it has not been an eventful day. Also, I noticed at four this afternoon that I only had two cigarettes left, no money, and no way of getting more. Of course, I smoked both… I tried to space them in order to not go crazy, but at this point I am dying for one. Anyway, long story short… I am very bored at the moment. I have watched everything I could on TV, I cooked all that I wish to cook, yet I have not eaten much today… nothing seem to satisfy me. I digress.
I spoke to me guy today… we talked for a bit, mostly small talk. Then he asked when I was going to see him again; I responded by asking him, was it not his turn to come see me? To that he replied that he would give me gas money if I came to him. So he would pay me to come up to his town to sleepover his house and have sex with him? What am I a prostitute, and I asked him that. He answered “I guess”, but he does not want to think that he is using me. And to be honest I don’t think he is. Maybe I am just blind and stupid? Or maybe he is being genuine and simply wants to see and touch me. Maybe… hopefully. So, I am going up Monday night to see him… basically I am going to drive up, have sex with him a few times, sleep over, and then leave the following morning to go to work. I think I need to give this whole arrangement some more thought, because even though the sex is great and I like being around him… something just feels wrong. Maybe it is a good feeling that I am just not used to, maybe its my gut telling me to stop this while I can. I am not sure, but whatever it is… I know I need to think about this for a good amount of time.
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December 17, 2009 at 7:30 pm (Confused, Content, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness, Relationships, Sex)
Tags: Confused, Content, Depression, Feelings, Happiness, Loneliness, Relationships, Sex
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
I feel like I live in the shadows of the world; not that I am comparing myself to a vampire, or some other mythical creature, but more to the fact that I do not have a life. Let me just point out that I am not trying to pity myself and complain, “Oh, I do not have a life, someone pity me”. No, more to the point is that am simply living on this Earth at the moment with no purpose what so ever; I am merely existing. What do I do in my life, day-to-day that is? I wake up from difficult night sleeping, eat something (barely), get dressed, go to work (try to get through those long eight hours), come home, and sleep; repeat. I don’t do anything outside those few activities, and when I do… I almost feel uncomfortable and awkward, and I end up simply just wanting to return to my room and sleep. I have very few friends, and those that I do have, I rarely see… we just simply text each other and even that is uncommon. I am almost 100% positive, if I did not text anyone first, during the course of the day the only contact I would get is from my family (and even that is not a lot). I do believe that my lack of human contact is mostly my fault, this is because I don’t trust people at all… and when I do force myself to try to be comfortable with a person enough to open up with them… it bites me in the ass. I don’t know what to do; it hits me ever couple of weeks, usually when someone hurts me, that I am alone right now and no one will come and rescue me. That is what I have been looking for ever since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me… and even before I found my ex, I was searching for someone to protect me from the world. That is what I feel like I am looking for now… someone to protect and save me, but from what? Why do I want someone to save me, when I feel like I have nothing harming me right now? But the feeling never goes away. Maybe I just want someone there for me when I break down; I want to know that I can call someone anytime and have them soothe me; I want someone to understand, or at least try to understand, everything that has happened to me over the past few years. If their comprehension was possible, they would understand why I am the way I am, but I feel as if that will never happen… my family does not even fully understand me… I do not fully comprehend why I feel certain ways, why these thoughts run through my head, why I feel so isolated all the time. Honestly, I do not think I will ever know the answers the all of these questions, but perhaps I will learn to deal with the fact that I will never know.
So, besides the depressing part of my life… I met a guy. I am going to keep this short and sweet, because we are keeping it on the down-low for the moment. We have been talking for a few months and decided to finally hang out, and have me sleep over his house. I immediately told him, how I was very apprehensive about sleeping with guys… especially after the last few months because I have noticed that guys just want to”fuck-and-chuck” me. However, he surprised me be assuring me that he was not that type of guy and he would never force me to do something I was not comfortable doing. So, we met up at parking lot in his town (just because there is no parking at his house) and we simply sat and talked in his car for a few hours, while his mother fell asleep. I have to say I was very awkward at first, but I warned him ahead of time that I was going to be. So after a while, he lifted the center console of his car, leaned over and kissed me. Then, we drove back to his house and started watching a movie, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I am not going to lie… it was probably the best sex I have ever had; mind you I have only slept with five guys in my lifetime, but still. I felt so comfortable and safe with him, something I have not felt since the first few months with my ex. Anyway, I slept over and slept pretty well I have to say… it was nice waking up next to someone. We went out to eat and then a few hours later I headed home. Again, to make a long story short… due to circumstances we have decided to basically stay friends with benefits, or something along those lines. At first, I told him I was not okay with it being this way because I need everything… not just the physical part; I need the emotional part as well… I want someone to be there for me, but after speaking to my therapist I decided that I am okay with things being the way that they were. Maybe it will turn into something more, maybe it will just stay like this until either of us find someone else. We will see where this all goes… but until then this is what I know: I have a guy that is sweet and caring, he is not pushing me into doing anything I am uncomfortable with, the sex is great, and I enjoy spending time with him… so what is wrong with that? At the moment, nothing. I am going to enjoy this while it lasts… hopefully it does not end badly.
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