Loaded Question

Laying on my back porch, I take in the night’s beauty. Dark blue skies dotted with hundreds of stars, which seem to move and twinkle like fire flies during the summer time. Taking a drag of my cigarette, I use my free hand to reach out to them, drawing imaginary lines between them; “Connect the Dots” was always my favorite growing up. As I stare, more and more stars come out to join the fun, plus a few planets. Mars was always my favorite when I was little, mostly because it was the easiest to spot seeing that it glows slightly red. If it was up to me, I would make it night all the time… I would never tire of staring up at this mystical abyss.

Though I love night’s like these… they often bring back bad memories… as they do now. It was a little over a year ago that I met him, it was a little colder than it is tonight, but beautiful none the less. We held each other the whole night: throughout the entire performance (known as the Rocky Horror Picture Show), the car ride home, walking to my dorm room, climbing into bed. It shocks me… thinking back to it… I thought that should be the most memorable time in a girl’s life, but for me it’s a blur. I do not know how we got there… to that point… where I thought it was a good idea… that I was ready.

“Are you sure?” is the only thing I remember him saying. Such a loaded and complicated question, but at the time, only one word rang through my mind. I wish some of the thoughts that are running through my head now… ran through my head then. “Was I ready?”, “I barely know this guy”, “Not saving it for marriage, but shouldn’t I feel more for him?” I forced myself to feel more, to make myself feel better, I told him I loved him… which I didn’t, nor did he love me… but we exchanged the meaningless words in an attempt to make better of the situation. He knew what I was, he knew what he was taking from me… he thought I wanted this. At the time, I did… for some reason I wanted to get it over with… but if I waited eighteen years for someone, why was I so willing to give up something I could never give back. Yes, we grew to love each other… in time we thought we would last forever, I wanted it to last, but nothing ever lasts really… everything comes to an end. I do not even know if we really loved each other… at the least, we cared for each other… but maybe not love.

Going back through the months we were together, thinking of all the things I did wrong, all the things I could have done to prevent our heart wrenching break. There was nothing I could have done, but maybe… if I had just said no to probably the most important question that I have ever been asked, maybe things would not have ended the way they did, though they would have ended. We were not right… we were toxic to each other, well, he was toxic to me. But maybe, if I thought more clearly… I wouldn’t have made such a big mistake.

You can’t turn back time, I know this… it is pointless to wish that things happened a different way or turned out differently. What’s done is done, and over the years I have come to accept that fact. I try not to dwell on the past, but with this… of everything that had happened in my life… if I could choose one thing to change, I would have changed my answer to his loaded question.

The night sky comes back to me… my hand still cuts through the crisp air, connecting the shining dots that seem so far away. Moments like these… make me think back to when I was young, I wanted to fly. More than anything, to be able to jump and move through the air… joining the moon and the stars, for just one night.

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Need You Now

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone ’cause I can’t fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now

Woah, woah
Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now, I just need you now

Oh baby, I need you now

Lady Antebellum

Year of the Tiger: Horse

After a somewhat inauspicious week, I called up my older sister, the other day, to vent about how I feared 2010 would be yet another disappointing year. As many people know, the last few years have been very unlucky for my family… three years to be exact, and during those bad years, my mother and I often found ourselves looking to the old Chinese saying, “three bad years, seven good years,” so we have been hoping that 2010 would be the start of our good years. My sister and I went on and on about our misfortune so far this year: losing my job, not to mention losing all my “friends”, and her and I both finding the wrong type of guys. For a good hour, we convinced ourselves that 2010 would be no different from 2007-09. She began to mention how she thought the year of the tiger was supposed to be good for us, but due to the events of the last two months, maybe she was wrong. We then decided to go online and read about our Zodiac sign’s forecast for this year. To our surprise, we soon figured out that maybe this “bad luck” we were having was actually the universe’s way of sorting the good and bad out of lives. With me, being fired from my job was not that big of a loss for my being… in fact I now view it as a blessing in disguise. I hated my job, my boss was very unprofessional in many ways, my pay was poor, and my hours were cut back. Not to mention I was forced to work with people I no longer wanted in my life. I never quit because I got somewhat comfortable being there and thought it pointless to look for an alternate work environment. Therefore, my sister and I have decided that this year, the Year of the Tiger, is a year for change. It is the year, to expel the negative energy from your life, and replace it with good. Perhaps this year, is in fact the start of my family’s “seven good years”. One can only hope. Maybe this will be the year that I actually get my life in order. I have already made attempts and plans to improve my life, and I’m crossing fingers that they work out. But again… I can only hope.

The Year of the Tiger will be an exciting and lively year for the Horse. On the home and family front, there may be some changes with family members moving in, moving out or relocating to another location altogether. On the social front, the Horse will be in much demand with invitations to parties and gatherings increasing as the year moves on. Health wise, with such a busy year and added pressures, the Horse must ensure that he looks after his diet and gets adequate rest. Otherwise, irritability and heated arguments could arise unnecessarily. Those born under this sign will do exceptionally well career-wise this year. However, they must follow-up leads and career openings with vigor in order to take advantage of the fast paced energy of the Tiger year. A word of caution for the Horse – they need to keep a careful eye on their finances as overspending could happen very easily. August through September will bring fantastic opportunities for those looking for love. March through May will be lucky for changing jobs or careers while November and December will bring fun and lively social gatherings.

(Check out your own forecast for this year: 2010 Year of the Tiger: Chinese Zodiac Horoscope)

Looking Back

It’s funny… looking back, I took so many things for granted. What I would give to go back to the simpler time in my life… when I felt like I had some control over it, back to when I was happy. To be honest, recently I have tried not to look into my past to often, simply because it was too painful to think about it… but it’s always there. How can you erase your past?

You can’t. I was on a date a few days ago… let me just say it did not go well, and I do not plan on seeing him again.. but I do not bring up this story to talk about him… it is because of something I saw. We went bowling and during one of the many times he left me alone to talk on his phone, a group of teenagers came in and started playing on the lane next to us. I found it very amusing to watch them. Each time one would walk up to the line and carelessly toss their ball towards the set of pins, another one would run up behind them and take a picture extremely close to the player’s face… this went on the entire time they played. They laughed, talked, fell, and had fun. As I sat alone on the plastic chair… it made me sad watching them. A memory from high school popped into my mind, and completely changed my mood.

~~~~~~

Senior year was a complicated year… full of drama and heart ache, but at the same time I cannot remember when I had so much fun. One night during the winter, a group of us decided to go bowling… and of course we chose to go “intoxicated” (it just made everything funnier). How stupid and reckless we were, hot boxing who’s ever car we were in… completely in plain sight of anyone who chose to walk by… but we didn’t care. It’s a miracle I can even remember that night at this point, but I do. Like the teenagers I saw the other night, we were loud and obnoxious. Each time someone would run up to toss their bowling ball, someone else would run up from behind and slap their ass with all their might. Yes, the player would usually fall forward in pain, but we would always get up and crack up laughing. After, we had our fill of bowling and all our asses we bright red, we would usually go to Apple Bee’s for half price appetizers… and driving there was always an adventure. We would light up another bowl, just in case we were not hungry enough to eat our fill. For hours, we laughed, told random stories, laughed some more, made fun of people, and had an amazing time…

~~~~~~

My mind faded back into the present, I still sat alone on the uncomfortable plastic chairs, waiting for my date to come back from talking outside. I found myself still staring at the carefree teenagers falling over each other next to me. Knowing that this date was going no where fast, I attempted to text someone (which I found rather difficult seeing how few people I still talk to), but I tried regardless.

On the ride home, something else hit me… why am I dating this guy? I don’t find him attractive… yes, he is an okay looking guy, but he is just not for me. So why continue this? And then I realized… I was trying to make you jealous. I felt you pulling away from me, we were talking less and less, and I wanted to make you jealous. I guess I knew this would not work… but what did I have to lose? I enjoy talking to you, you make me want to be happy… and when we are consistent with our contact, I don’t have to try to be happy, I simply am. Yes, there are distractions in your life and I understand that, everyone has things that keep their minds occupied… but I told you, I am a jealous and possessive person, and when I feel a good thing slowly dissipating from my life, my mind thinks of stupid immature ways to get you back… I need to work on that I guess; parts of my mind still need to grow up. That is all I want now… is to talk to you… I don’t want to be with someone right now… I still don’t think I am ready to be with a guy now. I keep trying to convince myself that I am, and that I will be happier if I am with someone, but I am slowly starting to realize that a person can’t make me happy. Only I can… but somehow you help me get there faster than I could on my own. It is a work in progress, but anyway, I just thought you should know this. :-/

Feel Your Love

All that time alone made me go insane
Wasn’t hard to see I had lost control

Then you came my way
Still I don’t know how
And you warmed me with your smile
I can read your eyes when you look at me
I hardly turn to you

Wanna feel your love tonight
Gonna leave the past behind

Holding on to pain made it hard to breathe
Couldn’t get away from my memories

Then you wiped my tears with your soothing touch
And you blew my past away
Nothing can’t compare when your close to me
How I trust in you

Wanna feel your love tonight
Gonna leave the past behind
Wanna feel your love tonight
And now I feel your love
Gonna leave the past behind
So hear me baby

All that time alone made me go insane
Wasn’t hard to see I had lost control

Then you came my way
Still I don’t know how
And you warmed me with your smile
I can read your eyes when you look at me
I hardly turn to you

And now I feel your love
So hear me baby

Wanna feel your love tonight
Gonna leave the past behind
Wanna feel your love tonight
And now I feel your love
Gonna leave the past behind
So hear me baby

Kim Sozzi

Dating

Two people meet, by chance or on purpose. They find one another attractive and somewhat interesting enough to want to get to know each other more. They spend time together, share secrets, care for one another, (sometimes) become intimate, and even love each other. Everyone thinks that dating is somewhat a casual affair that can end at anytime. But what is dating, if not a trial/interview for marriage?

At some point in most people’s lives, they decide that they want to look for someone they can settle down with, someone who they can start a life with. Hence, they start dating. Yes, there may have been relationships in middle school and high school, but honestly… most of those do not last. I say most because there are select few that end up with their “high school” sweethearts, but over all those connections end after graduation. However, those relationships are important in life, they almost prepare you for what is ahead. These relationships are, to me at least, are training for when you decided to look for your “life partner”. Women, like me… okay let me clarify this… some women are looking for their match… they want to settle down, regardless of age, and be with that one person. How can someone find their one, you ask? Ah, this is where the unbearable act of dating comes in. Think of it like a job interview… she meets someone, they seem like each other, and he may want the job of being with here. Therefore, you give them the chance to date you (interview), and if they seem to get along she will give him the job… on probation of course. Then comes the relationship… marriage trial. It seems like a pretty complicated process… well it is… unfortunately.

I, for one, loathe dating… it seems like such an unsatisfying process… at least from my experience it is. I find the “winners”… and if you didn’t catch my sarcastic tone in that sentence, it was sarcasm. I seem to be drawn to dirt and douche bags; I don’t know what it is about me… do I come off as this submissive, innocent girl who can be taken advantage of by every guy in her life? Apparently so. I think I understand why this happens though… really looking back at my track record. I was so desperate to find someone to care about me… I did everything they wanted to hold on to them… but that doesn’t work. If you give a guy something right away, they’ll drop you in a second. I know what I want, I have known what I want for a while now. I want a relationship, I want to be with someone, I want to be able to be held by them at night, and kiss them in the morning. Isn’t that what everyone wants? It seems everyone wants that, but few people find that. I’m doing things differently now… I am going to attempt something that I absolutely hate, and never really tried out… dating. I want to find that one person… soon… so I can start building my life with him… maybe this will work out.

Dreamer

“They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” – Edgar Allan Poe

I am now what most would call a dreamer, “one whose conduct is guided more by the image of perfection than by the real world”. It’s true… I often do not accept reality or rationality as the truth in my life, or at least a part of me doesn’t. Growing up, I always had a realistic view of things, even as a child dealing with the fact that Santa Clause does not exist. I was not told of this tragedy, I logically thought about it… and came to conclusion that he simple could not exist. This is how I have been for as long as I can remember… but those close to me know that I loathe being logical and realistic because it is sometimes, if not always, depressive. Recently, well over the past few years… I’ve found myself trying to let go, or at least push back, my logical nature and let out the dreamer withing myself.

During the time period between September of 2007 to about November of 2009… I often found myself wishing to live within my dreams. As many would attest to the fact that my life was far from perfect during those two long years, therefore… I escaped my somewhat chaotic life while I slept. Everything I ever wished and wanted to happen, came true… I lived my perfect life while I dreamed. However, a dream has to end at some point, doesn’t it? I always remember waking up to the sound of my alarm clock… and simply laying there in my bed… for a few moments. “Why did that have to be a dream?” was the thought that always ran through my head… but each morning I would awake from my “perfect dream” to reality. I cried many mornings from that fact. I often found myself asking my mother, “Why do dreams never come true?” For years she did not have an answer for me.. but at last she came back at me with something that changed my view. “They can come true… you just need to be a dreamer in life”. That is what I have become… a dreamer. Although my realistic side rears is ugly head very often… I still try to believe that the impossible may some day come true: traveling to every corner of the world, discovering and succeeding in my dream job, falling in love with someone a thousand miles away (and it actually working out). Again, I often tell myself that none of this will ever happen, but… I’m a dreamer.

Wolves and Sheep

“The more I see men, the more I admire dogs.”

How foolish I was… thinking back to my younger years. I understand I am not that old and have little life experience, comparatively to others, but being that I am turning twenty in less than a month now… it got me thinking about my teenage years that would soon be behind me.

I was very naïve in high school… about life, death, hatred, friends, and most of all men. Growing up many people, mostly people who were my senior would constantly tell me to be careful of men and their ways. “Guys are only after one thing”, they would tell me. Of course I knew this already… I am not sure when I knew this, but I always had a very immature view on the subject. I simply though only clear-cut jerks would disrespect a woman in the way my peers described it; “I would never fall for one of them”, I consistently told myself in the beginning of high school. For years, I held fast to that view-point of men… I never had my heart-broken, I never felt used, and maintained my dignity. Then again, I did not have much experience with the opposite sex in high school. Going to the small high school that I did and for the fact that I was very social awkward until my junior/senior year… I never got the chance to broaden my horizons with men. I retained my outlook on men… “I will never allow myself to fall for someone who could break my heart”. I was so naïve.

It was not until recently that I noticed something. The men who will use you and break your heart… are not so clear-cut and easy to pick out in a crowd. In fact, it is more often than not that they will portray themselves as a “nice guy”…. a wolf in sheep’s clothing; the last few months of my life has taught me that. After my breakup back in August… I looked to other men to help me forget about my lost love. The first month was a rather difficult and complicated one, but I told myself that “this is what I want”. I wanted to be selfish… I wanted to take things that I wanted, figuratively speaking…. I wanted to be able to have what I wanted, and leave when I got it; from some view-point.. I wanted to be the “man” in the relationship.

Which brought me to: R, A, and W. These were the men in my life during the first month of my break up. I did not seek them out… in fact, it seemed as if they simply fell into my lap, pun not intended. One being an old friend from high school, another a friend of the family, and the other a blind date. I told myself that I was using them… I just was getting what I wanted… I told myself that I was in control. I wasn’t in control… in fact I was the puppet in the situation. Control, was not something I really wanted… I wanted comfort, compassion, and understanding. So I gave up on my fantasy of being the “boss” and decided to forget about guys for a while. Months later… bringing us to November and December; there was D and T. At this point in the year… I knew what I wanted: a nice guy and a relationship; I wanted to feel loved. I stupidly believed that they could give me this; they said they could give me this… but did not… I discovered that in fact that they were simply wolves. I opened my heart to them… with the expectation of the feeling being reciprocated.

I never realized until now, that most, if not all, men fit the old saying: “Men are only after one thing”. It is true… for some reason men simply want to use a woman until they are completely used up. They do not care about what a woman has been through in her life, what has happened to her, what she has done, what others have done to her, what emotional trauma still resides in her mind. That is the saddest part to me… they just don’t care. I want someone… who does care… that is it; so simple, yet to rare and difficult to find. One thing I am sure of now… I will never open up my heart so easily, maybe never again.

Lovely

Oh no, my heart is getting heavy,
was I was forward?
I kinda had the feeling that it’s over,
but know I know that I’m crazy
(I think that I’m going nowhere)
So scream loud and look at me way down,
I know that you’re afraid,
I’ll hold you close and never, ever let you go

Up and Down
you spin me around
you got everybody watchin as you hit the ground
so take a step back
you know I’m there

Oh God can you save me now?
Enough Vallium to fill this room
it’s kinda hard when I’m dead right?
it’s kinda hard when I’m dead…

Oh love you got me crazy feen’n
like it’s nothing that I could’ve wanted
take it slowly and maybe you’ll know I’m ready.
We can get over it
scenery is nothin more than poetry
hotter than two lovers cumming next to me
I know

Up and Down
you spin me around
you got everybody watchin as you hit the ground
so take a step back
you know I’m there

You and I got our whole lives ahead of us.
We turned you. Can we turn you on?

I hope heaven needs you more than I need you now

you know I love you
(I can’t believe it’s you)

Breathe Carolina

Sense of Accomplishment

“If one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.” – Jane Austen

I said it was impossible, but I did it… I started over. “Such an unattainable dream”, I once thought; no possible way in which that aspiration could come true, but I made it happen. So far, two changes; they were such small changes in my dramatic life, yet I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

First, I finally went to OCC, something I have put off for weeks. Basically, all I had to do was: take a placement test, talk to an advisor, pick a class, sign up, and pay for it. The day of, I felt as if I was going to be sick… I was not sure why I was nervous… what was there to be nervous about? But I find that I tend to get anxious about everything I do in my life, regardless how minor and insignificant it is. So after smoking a few cigarettes at the border of the campus, I walked into the library and started my testing process. I found out that because I got high enough score on my math SAT section, I could exempt that part of the placement test, which left english. You start out by writing a 300-600 word essay… if you score a six out of eight or higher, you do not have to the rest of the test. I am happy to say I got a perfect score (eight out of eight) on the essay… I was so thrilled… I was afraid I was going to do so badly. Anyway, after the placement test, I ran over to guidance, picked a creative writing class (last seat for the semester). Yes, I am only taking one class at the moment, but I need to save up money anyway because I am broke. Hopefully, nest semester I can pick up a few more classes.

Second, and probably the most insignificant step I could have made. I decided to get rid of something that has become such o big part of my generation’s lives…. Facebook. I want to leave my past relations behind. I found myself checking in on people I no longer have contact with… and it would upset me seeing them happy? Narcissistic? Maybe. Regardless, I wanted to get rid of any reminder of what I left. Also, I went through my contact list on my cell phone, and deleted about eighty percent of them; leaving family, my therapist, my work, one or two people who I talk to on a regular basis, and a few people who I did not have a heart to permanently get rid of… on the off-chance that they contact me some day. It was sad for while… seeing how few people I actually have in my life… how few people care… how few still talk to me… it was mostly my doing, but still.. it hurts none the less. Eventually, the hurt passed and the relief set in… and I felt happy… a sense of accomplishment… I hope this feeling lasts. 🙂

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